49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #11: COURSE CORRECT QUICKLY XX

There are a lot of things more important than being right -- being happy high among them. Better to admit early that you've made a mistake or would do something differently, so that you can get the results you actually want sooner, than to be defensive and self-righteous when you're wrong or want different results than the ones that you're getting. 

Admitting that you're wrong and/or being open to others' perspectives leads to conversations and understandings that you can't achieve when your heels are dug in. People respect you more when you 'fess up to your errors. And it leaves space for them to be human as well, which in turn creates more space for your humanity.

FIX THIS ONE from here on in

My big course correction was quitting my corporate gigs. When I think about the difference between who I am now vs. who I would have become had I stayed, I am humbled by the difference. In the words of Langston Hughes, writing "life for me ain't been no crystal stair," but I'm very happy with a really wonderful existence. Had I continued to invest in climbing the corporate ladder just because I couldn't answer all of the questions about how I would support myself, pay my health insurance, get a pension and so on, I might -- okay, probably would -- have more money than I have now, but I would also be angry, depressed, miserable, and probably have a stress-related illness or chronic disease, which I don't have now. Thank the Lord! 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #10: ENJOY EVERY AGE YOU REACH

I hate to break it to middle-aged women: 60 is not the new 50; 50 is not the new 40; 40 is not the new 30; and 29 isn’t 29 unless you’re, well, 29. In many parts of the world, people don’t live that long. We live that long and wish we hadn’t. Go figure! 

The younger you are when you disconnect yourself from our society’s nonsense about age and appearance and sense of accomplishment, the more you’ll enjoy your life. If you listen to the media, there’s nothing good about being middle aged. However, I have loved maturing -- maybe because my mother always communicated positive messages about aging. She even enjoyed being in her 60s despite the fact she was very ill. And my dear friend Mrs. Eula cousins, who is 109 and, amazingly, has all of her wits about her, lives a very amazing life. (More about her in a later post.)

I do not miss the anxiety, uncertainty, insecurity, blah, blah, blah that I experienced during my 20s and 30s. I gladly accept peace of mind in exchange for gray hair. And I really appreciate the fact that I know myself better, feel more confident about my decisions, understand my strengths and limitations and am cool with them, enjoy the perspective that having lived for a long time brings and know that I’ve endured difficulty and survived so, really, how bad is the next thing likely to be? I appreciate having friends and acquaintances who have known me a long time. I’m not a mom, but I’m an auntie and love watching them grow up without having had to change diapers. (Just kidding!) I love saying no or giving someone a piece of my mind (nicely, of course) and having no second thoughts about it because I am not to proud to admit my mistakes and I am confident of my ability clean up after them. 

But I do think that aging is easier when you don’t have a lot of regrets. Which brings me back to my previous posts about following your dreams. Even if you never do something dramatic like leave your job, as I did,  chip away at and enjoy them over time. You’ll be surprised how much you can progress if you approach it little by little. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

My dear friend Mrs. Eula Cousins at her 109th birthday party. She passed away at age 110.

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #9: EMBRACE HARD THINGS

When I was younger, I avoided hard things. They were, well, hard and I didn’t always want to be bothered and sometimes even resented them. But at (almost) 50 I understand that hard things are the gateway to new  and better things. When you do hard things, you develop muscles that you didn’t have before. Muscles that make that hard thing easier and new experiences accessible to you. 

Somewhere in the bible (that I would look up if I weren’t on the train to New York right now with spotty Internet, but that one of you can fill in for me if you’re up to it) there is language about enlarging your territory. Doing hard things expands the amount of spiritual, mental, physical and emotional space you can occupy in the world. They give you a bigger and more satisfying life. Embrace them. 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #8: BE NICE

That's it. It's that simple, and you already know it because your mother told you. 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #7: FOLLOW YOUR HEART NOT JUST A CAREER PATH

Because advances in technology, the ever-changing global economy and the fact that many Baby Boomers are now unable to retire means that a career path isn’t what it used to be. Even the security that caused many of us to trade away our dreams isn’t so secure anymore. Holla if you hear me doctors, lawyers, accountants, teachers, postal workers -- shall I continue??? 

When I walked away from my corporate career, some people thought I was ruining my life and I, quite frankly, wondered the same. But I had to know whether the God-given gifts and talents that made me so happy existed for a reason or whether they were as random as say, (presumably) big ear lobes or skinny toes. I sensed that it was more than a coincidence that my innate gifts corresponded with my dreams. And though my heart’s desires seemed so far off, discovering the answer to this question became more important to me than following a traditionally “safe” career path. To my 30-something-year-old mind, few things seemed as though they would be more painful when I was older (read: age 50) than looking back over my life and wishing I “would of/could of/should of” followed my heart. I recited Robert Frost’s “The Road Less Traveled” like a mantra. It begins: 

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood/ 

and knowing that I could not travel both/

and be one traveler, long I stood 

and looked down one as far as I could 

until it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other just as fair

Except it was grassy and wanted wear...

The possibility of that spoke to me. So did Jesus’s words: “Greater things than these shall ye do.” They made me wonder what it would be like to walk on water in my own life.  

That was 15 years ago, and not only have I discovered that my gifts correspond with the things that I was imagining, I have learned that the people, places and ideas that I’m naturally attracted to are a part of that vision. For example, I’ve learned that anything that I have a natural affinity for or that I notice or am attracted to repeatedly is a metaphorical breadcrumb that God has dropped along my spiritual path in order to draw me in that direction. 

15 years later I have learned not to plot my moves according to a career path that someone else has determined for me. Instead of moving from the outside in, I move from the inside out -- from breadcrumb to breadcrumb. I let my heart -- the people, places and things that I love and/or that call out to me -- illuminate my way. I now know that they chart an invisible path through the Universe that has my name on it and that is far more secure than a path that another person, a company, the economy, etc., dictates for me. Security comes from within, I’ve learned. 

The amazing result of living this way is that I have been self employed for 11 years and have never looked for work -- work finds me. Had I not followed this path, I wouldn’t have known that living this was was possible. 

I wish that I had had someone to tell me this. But I’m glad to know now. And now I’m telling you. 

As Robert Frost concluded: I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.  

Take small steps to live more from your heart and let me know if it makes a difference for you. 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #6: TELL YOURSELF STORIES WITH HAPPY ENDINGS

Because if you're anything like me, you are very proficient in creating mental disaster scenarios (that never actually happen but that you run down nonetheless), but less fluent in telling yourself stories in which things work out better than you could ever have imagined and you live happily ever after, or that at least work out fine. 

The disaster-scenario thing is human nature, a survival instinct from a bygone era during which our forbears who heard rustling in the bush and assumed that it was, say, a bear, survived; whereas the one who assumed it was a bird, well, let's say they're no longer with us. Even when it wasn't a bear, the one who made up the story that it *was* a bear had an advantage. The ones who spooked easiest were more likely to live. In that respect we have all descended from scaredy cats, which makes our ability to tell negative stories particularly well developed. 

I know stories. When I worked in corporate yet longed to be a writer, I would sit in the sunroom of my beautiful 4-bedroom home, never having missed a bill or a meal, and yet convince myself that if I became a writer I would be destitute and homeless. I would make up these stories as I lay on the sofa, while listening to comforting music and sparrows chirping outside the window of my sunroom. My heart would be racing and everything -- all based on a story. Once I even walked through every room of my home and identified what I would take with me if I did, in fact, end up homeless. This helped me get clear on what was important -- my journals, family photos, genealogical research, art, rugs and writing -- and what was not: any of the clothes, shoes or other stuff I have accumulated so that somehow one person's stuff now fills every closet in a house meant for four. (That's a subject for a different post.)

Fortunately, the writer in me knows that I can just delete the last story and create a new one. It's as simple as hitting the backspace key. However, sometimes it takes my family and good friends to redirect my attention away from the disaster du jour and to remind me to imagine a happy ending (see 49 GOING ON 50 MENTORING TIP #4: Build the family you want to have, wherever you are, consisting of the people you want to be related to). 

Overcoming this human instinct in a society that profits from keeping us fearful (read: it encourages us to buy dogs, guns, gates, security systems, houses in "better" neighborhoods away from people who we imagine to be different from us, etc.) takes discipline. It has taken me years to progress as far as I have. But disaster scenarios that once kept me stuck for years now run their course in about 60 seconds and I laugh at the while they play. Ah, progress! 

And now having practiced creating stories with amazing endings for about 15 years, I'm discovering that the things I imagine and work towards turn into my life. But that's a whole 'nother post for a whole 'nother day.

What are your thoughts and experiences with this?

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #5: SURRENDER SPIRITUALLY EARLY AND OFTEN

Spiritual surrender is not the same as giving up; it's not the equivalent of waving the white flag. Surrendering spiritually only means that you accept the possibility that God may have a way of doing something that is better than your own idea and beneficial to more people. Remain open to it.

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #4: CREATE THE FAMILY YOU WANT TO HAVE

One of my younger friends asked for some advice recently. Her family is very dysfunctional so she has separated herself from them. But she's noticing that she's scared to rock the boat by bringing up difficult issues with her partner because she fears losing the only person who feels like family to her. She also feels paralyzed to change her job because she feels so alone. I could relate to hear fears. While I have always had a lot more support than my friend, when I was in my 20s I lived 500 miles away from my family in a place where I didn't yet have a lot of friends.

You can't choose who you are related to, but you don't have to limit your family to people who are related to you by blood. You can build the family you want to have, wherever you are, consisting of the people you want to be related to. If I had known in my early 20s to build a supportive infrastructure locally that replicates a traditional extended family and spiritual community, it would have saved me a lot of loneliness as well as some less-than-optimal decisions, made because I was missing input from people who truly understood and cared for me. I had to figure this out the hard way. It has taken some time and intentionality, but I now have that infrastructure in place. You can do this, too. 

My friend has now identified several people who she would like to call her family. She is now in the process of talking to them to make this formal request. One woman has agreed to be her mother and she invited me to be her sister. What an honor! 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #3: GO ANYWAY

49-GOING-ON-50 MENTORING TIP #3: When a funky little voice in your head starts running down the reasons why you shouldn't go to worship service, yoga class, aerobics, spinning, the pool, ceramics class, your knitting circle or any other activity you use to center and/or take care of yourself, ignore it. And truly pay it no mind if it's telling you not to go to your church, temple, mosque, spiritual meeting, etc. The fact that your funky voice is so active is the exact sign that you need the very self-care activity that it wants you to reject. So attend anyway. 

The exception I make to this rule of thumb is when going to whatever it is has become just another busy activity and the better way of taking care of myself is by slowing down and resting or engaging in self-care at home. At this age I now know always to honor that. 

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #2: KEEP MOVING TOWARD YOUR DREAMS IN THE FACE OF UNCERTAINTY

Recently, as I was leaving Bible study, a young woman approached me for mentoring advice. She was moving forward on what she felt was her Spiritual Calling, which she was very excited about. But one part of her felt sure that she was moving in the right direction, but another part of her felt very insecure. She had never stepped outside of her comfort zone before and now her fears were starting to bubble up. What should she do? I was really glad she asked, since I have been there, done that and bought and worn the tee-shirt.

Because let's face it: a lot of things we once thought were secure weren't really so certain at all. For example: Enron, Arthur Anderson, the World Trade Center, the real estate market, the U.S. economy, a job as a lawyer, or at the post office, or as a teacher. And a lot of things that didn't previously exist are now central to the lives of many people: the Internet, cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram to name a few recent examples. They too, however, will pass.

So move in the direction of your dreams, but don't stress about whether things turn out exactly as you envisioned. They probably won't and you don't want them to. The world is dynamic and you will (hopefully) grow and change. There's also no need to wed yourself to an idea or a vision of yourself that represents a previous level of your development. I find that as I move toward my dreams things often turn out better that I had imagined. For example, I used to envision myself as becoming a novelist. I had no idea that book collaborating existed. But I do a lot of that now and absolutely love it! 

And the insecurity that you may feel as you step into new situations is temporary. The more new things you try, the more likely it is that you will develop a new skill set: the ability to feel comfortable in situations when you don't know the answers. You will start to know discover that no matter what happens, you will know how to handle it when the time comes. And that confidence will empower you to take even greater steps forward. It will also give you peace from the fears that used to keep you stuck in a life that you longed to outgrow. When you know you can handle pretty much anything that comes your way, there's much less to fear. Least of all yourself. That was my advice.

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tip #1: TAKE OFF THE 4" to 6" HEELS.

Yes, they are beautiful. Yes, they will make you taller and more powerful feeling. Yes, men will love how your legs look in them, and other women will envy you. 

But try them on for fun and then leave them in the store. 

I know Jimmy Choo is probably sending me death wishes -- Okay, Jimmy Choo has no idea who I am. But if he did he would be shooting me daggers. -- but being fashionable is not worth the foot problems that will likely result for today's women, many of whom are from wearing the highest heels that women have ever worn in the history of humankind. Just because a shoe is beautiful doesn't mean you have to squeeze your foot into it. Admire it; pin it on your Pinterest page; fantasize about it. Then leave it alone.

You really don't want to reach a point in your life where every single step you take is painful -- it would shut down your life. Nor do you want to have chronic back pain or knee replacement surgery. These are likely outcomes from wearing these types of shoes regularly, not to mention the fact that you can sprain (or break) your ankle -- or neck!  So leave the shoes in the store (and the money in your wallet). 
 

At what price beauty and fashion?

49 Going on 50 Mentoring Tips: WHY I'M WRITING THEM

For the past several years, I've experienced a crush of women between the ages 27 and 39 who are asking me to mentor them. I feel honored that they're asking, I haven't quite figured out how to handle so many requests. So I've decided that over the 30 days between now and my 50th birthday, I am going to share some advice that I would have loved for somebody to share with me -- some personal, some professional, some that I've gathered on my faith walk as I've followed by spiritual calling. Here goes...

You Are Your Own Ghandi, Mandela and King

Women's rights, peace and social-justice activist Leymah Gbowee, one of three women who shared the Nobel Peace Prize this year, helped organize more than 3,000 Christian and Muslim women to peacefully protest Liberia's civil war, helping to end the horrific violence there. The award-winning documentary Pray the Devil Back to Hell (click here to view the trailer) depicts the movement that the women carried out. Not only did they risk their lives to challenge Liberia's leaders, they leveraged all of their power, including refusing to have sex with their husbands until the war ended. 

Many of us are experiencing far less devastating circumstances yet feel powerless to act and unable to overcome them. Gbowee's experience can inspire us. She suggests: 

If you have a situation that seems endless and negative, don't wait for a Ghandi, don't wait for a King, don't wait for a Mandela. You are your own Mandela, you are your own Ghandi, you are your own King. You know your issues, you know your concerns, and you know the solution. Rise up and do something to change your situation around.

Enjoy this 4-minute video interview of her. Watch more of her at OdysseyNetworks.org. 

God Did Not Make Us In A Spirit of Fear

I love this little video reminder that God > fear. 

9 Secrets to a Satisfying Life

Are you on the road to having a satisfying life that will leave you with few regrets? Recently my 109-year-old friend shared some wisdom on how to live a life that will not leave me wishing that I woulda, coulda, shoulda. Her list was simple but oh-so-hard to execute. 

Advice from a 109-Year-Old: Relax. Stop Worrying. Don't Sweat the "Stuff"

Recently I had the amazing opportunity to attend the birthday party of a centenarian. Mrs. Eula Cousins turned 109 this month, and as happens every year, a group of women gathered to celebrate her life. This particular group is what my friend Jackie Radford has labeled a "wisdom circle". It consists of women from every decade of life--from their teens, through young adulthood, through middle age, through the senior years, and though the old-old and Mrs. Cousins herself. And its intention is to share information inter-generationally. "Older women have a lot of information to share, but you have to ask them," Jackie says. Mrs. Cousins' cut buddies consist of a group of 4 or 5 90-something-year-old-women, so experience abounds. Each year, these women share pearls--big fat Hope diamonds, actually--of wisdom, advice for better living, marvel at our lives-- and rejoice that they don't have to live them.

This year our elders kept returning to a similar theme: God has a plan. They repeated this statement so many times--using these words and others--that I wondered if there are things they can see from the vantage point of their senior years that the rest of us cannot because we are too young. So I asked them: From the vantage point of having lived nearly a century or more, can you look back over your life and see patterns, or make sense of what took place, in ways that you cannot when you are younger? That is to say: Can you connect the dots of your life? 

Their answer? A resounding yes. This response made the remainder of their advice make tremendous sense. It was:

 1. Relax. There's no need to worry or stress ourselves out the way that we do. In the end, things are going to be okay.

 2. Become less attached to material things. They're meaningless, our elders told us, and we're way too tied to them. They detract from our peace of mind, hinder our freedom and cause us to worry and stress out too much—major reasons we struggle to relax.

3. Get less caught up in the circumstances of our lives. Just as material possessions come and go, circumstances do also. When you look back on them later in life, the women said, life's happenings mean something entirely different--carry an entirely different significance--than they did at the time that they happened. To me, this suggests that things don't mean what we think they do—that we should stop judging, assigning meaning to and beating ourselves up about them.

We "young" women of the wisdom circle found this advice very timely and wise. And in this post Great Recession/ Depression era, anything we can do to reduce the pressure on our finances and reduce our stress can vastly improve our quality of life. 

Feeling Lost Along Your Journey?

Anyone who steps off of the beaten path to change their career, or follow a Spiritual Calling or dream, is bound to feel disoriented or discombobulated from time to time. Here I share some advice based on my experience of following my passion into my dream career -- a process I embarked upon when I left corporate America in 1992 -- and landing on my feet. Since I began working for myself and pursuing my Spiritual Calling, even thought I'm self employed I haven't looked for work for over 10 years.

What's the Difference Between a Career and a Calling?

People ask my thoughts about this quite often. I have learned to try to operate out of my Calling, which I capitalize to connote the spiritual nature of that work. This leaves me subject to the laws -- the possibilities! -- associated with God's power, as opposed to the laws of man or of the economy, which, for many people, aren't so great for many people. But for a handful of lucky people their Calling is also their career. I hope you find these thoughts helpful.

Invisible "Things" Become Physical Things

Here's some advice on how to connect the dots between so-called coincidences, intuitions, occurrences and other "things" that happen in your life -- "things" that you want to trust but aren't sure that you can. These non-tangible occurrences are often real "things," just on the invisible side of life -- before they take physical form. The problem often is that there's no one to validate them for us. Here are some thoughts about the supernatural side of life.